Hard To Feel Close To God...

Let me begin this post with this: I hate messing up. Not that I think anyone likes it, but I am particularly hard on myself when I do. Even more so when I look back on how I messed up and easily it could have been avoided and just how stupid I was. I get disappointed, irritated, and down right mad with myself when I do. I feel like a failure.
Now, don't misunderstand what I am saying here. This is not a "poor pitiful me" message. This is just part of the process I go though due to my struggle with pride. You see, I feel like I always have to have it all together. So, when the mess ups come (and make no mistake, they seem to come much more often than I would like) I go through all kinds of emotions and feelings that I know are not productive. I dwell on the issue, how I messed up, how to fix it, and how to avoid it in the future. It causes stress, robs me of my joy, and just makes for some lousy days. Which in turn, usually leads to even more mess ups.
The big thing I have come to realize from this downward spiral is this: Its hard to feel close to God when you are in the pit if despair.
I know i'm not alone in this. David had some of these same feelings. Look at Psalm 13:1-4.
Lord, how long will You forget me?
Forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?
How long will I store up anxious concerns within me,
agony in my mind every day?
How long will my enemy dominate me?
Consider me and answer, Lord my God.
Restore brightness to my eyes;
otherwise, I will sleep in death.
My enemy will say, “I have triumphed over him,”
and my foes will rejoice because I am shaken.
So what are we to do when we feel like this? We have a choice to make. Either we can continue to stress and fret over our mistakes and beat ourselves up and continue to feel removed from God, or we can cry out to Him for forgiveness and ask Him to restore us back to Him. I need that. I need that because I hate feeling separated from my Savior more than the suffering I get from being mad at myself for messing up. David felt the same way. Look at how he finished Psalm 13 in verses 5 & 6:
But I have trusted in Your faithful love;
my heart will rejoice in Your deliverance.
I will sing to the Lord
because He has treated me generously.
Thank you God, for Your faithful love. Even when I have messed up. Thank You, Jesus, for Your forgiveness that you offer when we ask. Restore me, Oh Lord.
In Christ,
jon walton